I’ve sat here for days, weeks, months analyzing over what could’ve been, what should’ve been, and what happened ? I don’t know what happened between us, and it hurts sitting here wondering if their was something I did wrong, and if their was something I could have done to prevent it. It breaks my heart because I would have done anything and everything to keep you right where you were for the past two years of my life, I never wanted to lose you, I wanted you forever and always, but that to me now is all a lie, it’s just a fairytale. God must have a plan for me, right ? I have cried every night since we have separated, I have prayed every night since, asking God for help, for a sign, for strength, and to also put his hand on you and keep you happy. I knew you meant the world to me, but I ne’er knew you meant this much to me. The pain I feel without you is unbearable. I feel emptiness inside of me because part of me is still with you, and I need it back. My heart hurts sometimes and that’s when I break down. Some people say they rather hurt than feel nothing at all, but for me it’s the complete opposite. I have already felt too much pain in my life, and this is something I don’t want to feel, I want to ignore honestly. It’s easier for you to not care as much, it’s easier for you to let go, and I’ve known that all alone, and that’s exactly what I was afraid of. I still remember the first day we kissed, we weren’t even together yet, I invited you over to hangout, and we were laying on my bed and you looked into my eyes and your lips touched mine, I fell in love right away. I remember looking up at you and screaming “finally” I had wanted to kiss you so badly, and it finally happened. But
Now I look bad and it fills my body with pain, and sometimes happiness. I won’t say I regret us being together, but I will say I wish I would have known it was going to end like this so I didn’t have to waist one more year. Unfortunately, I wouldn’t have known, only God knows, and you can’t change destiny. I remember praying to God about how much I loved you and wanted us to last if he was happy with it, and I guess he wasn’t . You really meant the world to me, and still do… The things that annoyed me about you I loved the most, I loved you for your flaws, its what made you…You. You were really hard to understand, but after awhile I understood you completely. It’s been awhile now and I still think about you, I still stare at your photograph, and I still sleep in the shirt you left, and nobody knows it but me… My friends think I’m moving on, but the truth is I’m just not that strong, and I’m not moving forward one bit, and nobody knows it but me. If you’re happy, I want you to know I’m happy too, that’s all I want is for you to be happy, and I’ll get through some how. I honestly thought for a really long time that what we had was all we’d ever need. And for a long time you were my world, you were everything to me, you were all that mattered to me. You were my best friend, and you helped me through a really hard time in my life, and the only person I really trusted was you. I still wonder if I ever cross your mind? You made it clear you were tire of our relationship, and you were over me. I don’t know what I could have done to make it better, I’m sorry it wasn’t as amazing for you as it was for me. I do know that I was a good girlfriend, I gave you everything, I gave you all of me, and did everything for you, and half the time it seemed like you didn’t even appreciate it, but I know that was just your personality, so I got used to it. I miss your monatone voice, I miss you bringing your scientifical theories into everything and me learning about new things, you really are a smart person, and some people don’t realize how smart you are, but I do. I have told you time from time that the people you hangout with are losers, and it’s the truth they all talk about you behind your back and it’s sad because to be honest the only real person in your life was… Me. I remember you would lay with me and tear up over situations you couldn’t help, and nobody knew it but me, I was the only person you were able to open up too, and I’m glad I was able to get you too, because now I’m sure it’s a bit easier for you to talk to your parents, and I hope I impacted your life in a good way, because you sure impacted mine amazingly. You showed me what it’s like to be with a good guy, you made me realize that I deserved better than what I thought I did, and now I know that. You have truly changed my life in so many ways, and I will never forget you, and I wish we were still with each other, I hope for it everyday, but the truth is I’m just hoping and praying for something that will probably never happen again, and it hurts to think that, but unfortunately it’s life. I was truly enchanted to meet you, and I am so thankful God put you in my life. God puts people in our lives that may not always be there, and thats just something we have to take in and accept. I still want you in my life, I still want things to go back to the way they used to be, but we don’t always get what we want. It truly kills me that I can no longer go up to you, and hug you and kiss you, and laugh with you, I stare at you and think back and it gets me depressed, I look at you and still want you by my side, I never wanted to lose what we had built this far, but everything happens for a reason, right ? But what hurts the most was being so close, and having to remember every memory that we made. I’m crying as I type this, I haven’t stopped crying. I guess I just have to learn to let go, and move on with the rest of my life even if I don’t want too, I need too. It’s going to hurt, and I’m going to cry, it’s going to break me down but also build me up, but to move on with the rest of my life I have to start with goodbye… Time heals all wounds, and in the end this will all make me stronger, I don’t want to move on without you, because before this all happened we were going to move on with out lives together, it is painful, but it’s what’s needed. Sometimes I feel like I’m in this all alone because I will cry at night and breakdown and nobody will be there, but I know I have God and he’s really the only one who can help me through this, if I had my way I would never get over you and I would fight for you, but thats not how this works. I’m in love with you, and I have been for the last two years, I know it will take me awhile to get over you and move on with my life, but I have hope I will, no matter how badly it hurts, I know God has a plan for me… I have tried to be friends with you, but I just can’t, and the truth is you are not the same person I fell in love with, you chose weed over me, and I have to face the facts of that. Sometimes I wish I had someone to love, wish I had someone to love me the way you did, but I can’t rely on that to make me happy, even if I feel this pain would all go away if I had that, truth is it won’t because I will look back, think of you, and still love you, and nobody will know it… But me.
Then:
Theirs something holding me back, holding me back from everyone and everything. Something I’m keeping from everyone that loves and cares for me. Something I can’t ever share out loud. Something I’m scared to talk about. Something I’ve always been able to hide. Something I know will ruin my family and will break our chain. Something I was threatened not to talk about. Something I can’t bare to cry about. Something that hurts me physically and emotionally. Something that’s tearing me apart, something someone forbids me not to tell. A secret that I have to keep forever. Something that I can’t handle on my own but have too. Something that will be a burden on me until i die. Something I’ve been strong enough to hold back for years now. Something I need to say, but just can’t. And never will.
Now:
I’ve sat here for awhile, thinking of all the horrible and disgusting things you have done to me and put me through. You are someone I trusted, atleast I thought I could trust. I trusted you with my life itself. I think to myself What happens when the one you loved, and trusted becomes the one you fear most? It’s scary. I blame myself sometimes because I tried to keep myself gaurded, yet I was only a open book instead. Everyday since, I blame myself, because I LET you do this to me. I LET you put me through this, but then again, I didn’t know any better… Actually I didn’t know at all. I was a little innocent girl. For awhile I didn’t even know what was happening, and what it meant, if I would have known maybe this secret would have came out earlier, maybe I wouldn’t be in as much pain as I am now. Who knows. I won’t know because it never happened. I will NEVER know, unfortunately. But what I do know is that what has happened to me has affected me, my family and my whole life. YOU are the reason why I can’t sleep at night, and now have to take medication to mentally knock me out. You are the reason why I cry when theirs nothing to be crying about. You are the reason why I break down out of no where for no specific reason. You are the reason why I ever hurt myself in the first place. You are the reason why I reached out for help, but nobody knew at the time, and when they did they still wondered WHY. You are the reason why I am still scared to this very day. You are the reason why I throw up when I don’t even feel sick from the start. You are the reason why I have temptations, get angry, get sad, throw things, cry, yell, scream, smoke. You are the reason why it took me so long to tell my mom and dad. Want to know why? Maybe you’ll remember this, crenching my throat together telling me “if you ever tell anybody, I will hurt you.” That’s why. I was scared, what do you expect? Me to smile and say “ok”, and follow through. NO. I was terrified, cringing in my body, shaking, stabbing tears filling my eyes, holding my palms together for hours until sweat dripped down. But not once, not once did I ever let those tears fall. You are the reason why I had to be fake in front of my family, my friends, and even MYSELF for years. Those years went by as if a slow train broke down every minute until it reached it’s destination. Those years were the most miserable and unforgetable years of my LIFE. You are the reason I smell things, hear things, taste things, feel things that make me cry, because it reminds me of you. You are the reason why I never got to be a kid, and I’m trying to now, but it’s hard, and time will pass and I’ll get older and I can’t try to be a kid anymore, because it won’t be appropriate anymore. Because of YOU, I am afraid to let people in without knowing they won’t hurt me, because I have such major trust issues. Because of you, I am scared to be alone with any elder males. Because of you I have depression, anxiety, pills i have to take every day of my life that people constantly question me about. Because of you no one can see right through this cute smile of mine. Because of you I haven’t seen my family in almost 2 years. Because of you I am afraid that if I see them I will break down, and I am only afraid of that because I KNOW it will happen. Because of you, I haven’t been their for my baby cousins as they’re growing up, I don’t even know what they look like anymore. Isn’t that sad? You were someone special to them, I hope you know that. I hope you know you ruined that. As they grow up they will grow up without someone they looked up too, someone that made them laugh. Someone that had the ability to immediately bring that frown upside down. They don’t know right now, they don’t know WHY they don’t see you anymore, why you’re gone. They’ll ask their parents and their parents responses will be something like this “Oh, honey, he is ok, he’s just on a vacation for awhile, but he loves you and misses you”. Or “He is gone for a long time, but he loves you, don’t forget that” or if you think about it maybe even “He passed away”, because they never want their child coming near you, or even seeing your face again, maybe they’ll never tell their child WHY you left. Maybe it’s my respobsibilty to tell them all these misterious things. I feel I have too, because I was part of this situation, and yes I will break down in front of them and that’s one thing I don’t want to happen. I want to be strong for them, but because of you, I don’t know if I can at this point. Seeing their precious faces, and holding their little hands explaining a false acuzation of WHY you are gone will kill me. I think about it now, and honestly it’s good they are growing up without you, because one good thing came out of this situation, them not being the ones this happened too. I am glad this happened to me, and not one of them, though I always ask myself, “WHY ME” “WHY ME.” It’s hard to comprehend, and I don’t think I’ll ever know, because only you know that. And maybe someday I will ask you, if I even have the heart to forgive you, see your face from a far distance, walk slowly up to you, go up to you and talk to you. Ha, that’s a joke. Right now I can not see that happening, but hmm who knows I do have a big heart, I honestly wouldn’t be suprised if that hapenned one day. You know, they made a day for me. A day like “presidents day”, but different, because of me and other girls that were there to support me, they made a day. A day for innocent victimes. Who would’ve thought I could change one day into something special, something the whole world will once know about. That’s insane! Maybe one day I can stand up in front of everyone and say this was because of me. I don’t know if i will ever have the strength to do that though. I’ve had to stay strong my whole life, and I’m getting sick of it. I want to be strong, I want to be ok, I want to be happy without forcing myself to be, without pretending without trying for once. I had to grow up way too fast thanks to you. I remember laying their exploring my mind which led me into going off into a complete different world, trying not to think about what had been happening at the time, that was my only escape, and even then i snapped back to reality and it was unbelievable, it was true. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it, I wanted it to be a nightmare and even if it felt like years one day I would wake up and it would all dissapear. And even to this day, I still wish for that day to come. I still have hope. I have come to realize that I can not go the rest of my life playing the role of the victim, I will not let you be a deomond in my body, taking control of my life. It has honestly taken me a year and a half to be able to hold in tears while talking about you to somebody I trust, or when I hear a reference about “rape”. It has taken me awhile, and even as I write this, I still cry. I am finally able to admit that I am a strong girl, and I will continue to be strong for me, myself and I, and pray that God will help guide me to the women he planned on me being. An amazing, strong person, I know that is. It’s hard to believe that I am as positive as I have become. For as much as I have been through, and as much as you have put me through, I am a pretty damn positive person. That is one thing I am very thankful for. I swear, life has been sadness in my eyes for a long time now, I’ve just been hiding out for miles underneathe this smile avoiding the facts about the situation. And now it feels like my world is caving in and I’m trying to hold on as tight as I can, instead of letting go for once. But now I am going to let go, I am going to tell myself it’s ok to cry, to feel pain, to think about YOU, to wonder why, and go on with my life not avoiding it, but thinking about my future, and how happy I will be, so I will go THROUGH this step by step, with you in a distance. Sometimes i want people to know what has happened to me, but at the same time I don’t Because when you tell people, the abuse becomes real, but when you keep quiet you can pretend like it’s never happened. I will never forget you, and that isn’t a compliment, it’s hell that I’ll never forget you. Even to this day, I will look at something and see a reflection of you in my eye. Thank you. Thank you for making my life a hell hole.
I miss the days where we would sit against empty buildings, and talk about nothing for hours. I miss the days where i would go to your house in the morning and jump on your bed till you woke up and then hide and say it was Colby. I miss the days where we would watch scary movies for hours in ur theater. I miss the days where we would sneak out just to see each other. I miss the days where we would try to find a lope spot to smoke ciggerates and get high off of our mind. I miss the days where we would walk around holding hands and it didn’t even feel weird, because thats how good of friends we were. I miss the days where we could lay next to each other and talk about how much we loved each other, and how we would never leave each other. I miss the days where we would take tons and tons of pictures, to the point it bothered people. I miss the days where we would steal from 7/11 and pig out till we wanted to throw up. I miss the days where we would sit in a circle and talk about the stupidest things in life. I miss the days where we would all hang out, just me, you and our “crew”, during summer. I miss the days where we thought we knew everything about everything. I miss the days we would run up to each other and be so happy to see each other that we never wanted to let go of each other. I miss the days where we would try to make your best friend jealous and just laugh because he took it so seriously. I miss the days where you would help me crawl out of my window at night, and try to be as quiet as possible. I miss the days where we would sit behind empty walls and scope fur police just so they wouldn’t roll us. I miss the days where we would lay down on pavement at 4’0clock in the morning and eat, smoke, and fall asleep. I miss the days where I would sit on ur lap and look up songs on the internet and start singing them as loud as possible. I miss the days where I could just walk into your house and it felt like I was home. I miss the days where I would be with you 24/7. I miss the days where I wanted to scream at you, and tell you that I never wanted to see you again, and then eventually we made up, because I obviously never meant that. I miss the days where we would try to rap and epicly fail at it. I miss the days where you would take soda cups out of a trash can and fill em up at subway just for me. I miss the days where we would call each other and tell each other how we felt, and why our lives were a pit hole of hell. I miss the days where I could be there for you, and not feel overwhelmed like I did with everyone else. I miss the days where I could cry right next to you and you would tell me “everything was going to be ok” and just hold me and be there for me. I miss the days where you would tell me things and I understood more than anyone.And sometimes things I never understood, but I got it. I miss the days where I felt most comftorable with you then with anyone else. I miss the days when you would whipe my tears away and tell me I was the most beautiful girl in the world and that you looked up to me because I was such a strong girl. I miss the days where you would write me songs, and letters. I miss the days where you made me feel complete in my heart, and that you were the one I was missing all along. I miss the days where you would pick me up off of the ground and hug me to the point i couldn’t breathe anymore. I miss the DAY when I first met you. I miss the OLD days, all of the days when I was with you. I miss how we USED TO BE. ” Someone once told me… “dieing is the easiest part of life, and you never gave up, so that makes you harder than life&death its self” & that was you… But most of all… I miss YOU. I miss my Best Friend…
Anomynous, There are some things that I really want to say to you… to express to you… but I don’t know how. Aside from simply coming up to you and saying them, there really is no way to tell you how I feel.
I love you. I always have, and I always will. My love for you is deep and permanent, and while non-sexual, it is true love. I could never sleep with you… it would destroy and alter something that I can’t specifically name… But I could curl up next to you and fall asleep quite easily… My love is boundless. I love you despite, NO… because of your faults and unattractive behaviors. They are spicy and real and they make up part of who you are. Your character is fascinating, and I can only hope to continue to be an important part of your life for as long as you are an important part of mine.
You have always been such a wonderful protective and supportive person to me… you have been with me and been there for me ever since I met you. You were there for me when I was in love, in pain, in confusion, throughout everything. You’ve had more faith in me than I have ever had in myself, than anyone has ever had in. and I am endlessly grateful for that. You’ve provided me with an anchor of support, if not always sanity. With you, I feel that there are emotional things that will not change, even if our two separate lives do change on their own. I feel like there is something real and permanent about my love for you. It is like the sky when the mountains may crumble. It is like a background in front of which I will assume the various characters and personalities that this world directs me to. No one will ever be able to understand the relationship we have, for other people It’s hard to get, but for us we’ll always know the truth, how we really feel, and the meaning and importance of it.
There is nothing in this world that I would not do for you. I trust you with everything I have, and everything I am. Meaning, I trust you to hold me tight and never let go, and never give up on who I am, and to be there when nobody else is. And I believe that you know this… and i hope that you have known this for a long time. You truly are my BEST FRIEND. Words could NOT possibly explain what I’m trying to say, and everything I’m wanting to say. It would take a life time to try to explain that to you. I love you, I always have and I always will… I can’t promise you that nothing will ever come between us, because their may be a time in our lives where we might have to go our seperate ways, but even that will never stop me from loving you.